Two Becoming One
A jeopardizing advice I’ve been given in my love life is, “Once you begin an affair, the two become one”.
( With all due respect, the statement doesn’t imply or refer to any of the Bible verses )
In Sinhala they would say, “දැන් දෙන්නම එක්කෙනෙක්”.
“Really !”
This idea can be interpreted in so many different ways and make sure you do not fall into the trap of misinterpreting. It took me almost two years to realize the fallacy which is if not understood could ruin or break a relationship. I’m neither a love guru nor a counselling expert but this is something I’ve learned over the course of my relationship.
From the genetic inception to any given aspect, no two human beings are the same in this world. Each and every one of us have our own set of values, attitudes, preferences, perceptions and the list goes on. A romantic relationship brings two of these unique human beings together. Therefore, a friction between the individuals is inevitable and obvious. But there are ways to smoothen the outcome.
All above that, make sure you have chosen your life partner in terms of compatibility over chemistry. Chemistry and compatibility are often misunderstood. Chemistry is the initial instinct which sparks the desire to begin a relationship while compatibility is what makes us stay in a relationship. Of course you will never find a 100% compatibility, but at least a 70%-80% would do. Therefore,the rest will be your only concern.
Now, how do you manage the rest ?
My sole recommendation is to accept the person for who he/she is. Remember that this acknowledgement includes all his/her flaws, insecurities and other imperfections. Understanding that the two of you are two different human beings is the key. Respecting the differences will smoothen the process. Communicating effectively with him/her about unresolved issues will prevent most of the disagreements beforehand. In the process, make sure you avoid judging, complaining, criticizing and comparing as much as possible. Forgiving mistakes and having gratitude towards the smallest act of kindness will definitely add color.
Remember that your significant other has his/her life away from you such as his/her own career goals, modes of happiness and circle of friends which might differ from yours. It’s perfectly okay for the two individuals to walk in “different” paths of life as long as you walk “together”. (unless it causes an irreparable damage to your relationship)
My point is, just let him/her experience the life in his/her way. Accept that he/she looks at the world in a different lens than yours. Let him/her have his/her freedom of life. It doesn’t mean that any unacceptable behaviors or mistreatments should be acknowledged. But remind yourself that none of us are perfect. We have flaws and we make mistakes. If you think he/she is capable of improving, give him/her a chance because it’s you in the first place who thought that he/she is the “One” for your life.
Over the course of your relationship, there will be instances where he/she will voluntarily compromise in the moments of disagreements. Do not resist or hesitate. Allow him/her and appreciate the sacrifice he/she makes. But the commitment and the willingness, to compromise and change oneself for the betterment of a relationship, comes from the deepest core of a person’s mind.
So if you think you are capable of changing your significant other, the way “you want” he/she to become, against his/her will, Good Luck with that !
I’ll point out where my interpretation went wrong and where most of us get it wrong; becoming “one” doesn’t mean killing your version for the sake of his/her version to exist or vice-versa. It means the cumulative version of two different versions taken as a whole. Thus, creating a team reflecting both individualities separately-together.
( Quite oxymoronic ! Isn’t it? )
Let this notion sink in your mind and may it become the secret recipe for a successful relationship flourishing love and happiness…
Before I finish, visualise yourself in front of a crooked tree in a forest. The tree is beautifully bent and twisted with imperfect branching which makes it stand out from the rest. Do you go over there and think, why it couldn’t have been straight or why it couldn’t have been branched the other way around or why it couldn’t have been slanted a little more towards the left?
No, you don’t!
You just admire its beauty for the way it is and for all its imperfections because that’s what makes it a “wonder” of the “nature”.